Ghoul Grumps
by SaintLetha
Summary: Follow the Grumps through adventures. Dangerous adventures, like their encounter with a sinister spirit in the freaky forest. Thrilling adventures, like when Ross discovered a lovely fresh water mermaid. Or romantic adventures, like when Arin frolicked in a meadow with an enchanting deer-girl. And, yes, one particularly gruesome adventure, though we won't describe it here in great
1. Chapter 1

"This is the worst." The wind rumpled Danny's unkempt hair as he sat on the side of the road with Barry and Ross.

"It's not that bad." Arin argued. He was staring at the deflated remnant of their van's rear tire.

Danny looked up and down the abandoned stretch of interstate. The blacktop was fenced in by large evergreen trees, the tips of which revealed dark ominous clouds rolling their way. "Really, Arin? Who are you trying to kid here? This is bar none the worst trip yet, with a capital ORST!"

"Its pretty bad." Barry agreed, distractedly. He was thumbing through a well-worn paperback.

"Not to be a negative Nancy," Danny continued, "but 'the suck' has been our theme for the past few days."

'The suck' was their way of referring to things that, while not catastrophic, were still difficult. There were a number of difficulties that arose on their trip. There was the air conditioning quitting on them as soon as they passed the boarder to Arizona. There were the nauseating "manly smells" that no one would take responsibility for. There was the mind numbing, endless spool of expressway as they drove cross-country. And now there was this flat tire that left the boys stranded. Ask them to produce a high quality - yet incomparably funny - web series Danny, Arin, Barry, and (to a lesser extent) Ross had no problem, but leave the group on the side of a rain slicked back-woods road in middle-America with only a rusted jack, a twenty-year-old spare tire, and their dainty physiques and you'd be more likely to get better results from a box of kittens.

"It'll be alright." Arin assured them, which was his job as leader of their group. He may have been lying a little bit, also his job as leader. "Ross, have you found a tow company or anything yet?"

Without looking up from his cell phone, Ross asked, "Was I supposed to be looking for one?"

"God-damn it Ross." Danny sighed, tiredly.

"We actually can't get service," Ross admitted with a smirk, and closed out the game he was playing. "Not this far out in… Where are we again?"

"New Jersey." Arin kicked the flat tire. The lack of cell service would explain why he hadn't heard from their tyrant of a producer, Jesse. Once they were able to get in touch with the tubby, micromanager that would be a whole new barrel of 'suck' to deal with. "Remember? For the Jersey Devil piece."

Ross said, "Sounds vaguely familiar. What's the Jersey Devil again?"

"It might be a dragon." Barry injected. It may have been something he already knew, having a plethora of unusual, supernatural facts in his head, or he could have gotten that bit of trivia from the book he was reading. It was titled, _Angels to Zombies & Everything In-Between._ Being the sound-guy/editor/researcher to their show left him little time for anything other than work.

"I think I see a car coming." Arin stretched his arms above his head to wave at the oncoming vehicle, not concerned that his stomach peeked out from under the hem of his navy t-shirt. To Ross he said, "Dude, it's a New Jersey legend. Supposedly the Devil has a big ol' goat head, and bat wings, and horns and shit. Danny has been rock hard about snagging this thing on film; it's a _spook_ right in his home state."

"Ah, that would be half hard for the Devil. It is after all _sphoo-kee_." Danny corrected as he hopped up and started to wave at the car too. Dan was notorious for being faint of heart when it came to frightening stuff. It still amazed him how he landed in a career chasing things that went bump in the night.

"Or, it could be a drake." Barry added still staring at his book, and then thought a moment. "Dragon sounds cooler."

The car – actually a red Suburban – passed them. The boys looked chagrin, but then the SUV stopped suddenly and started to back up. Within moments it was pulled over to the side of the road in front of the boy's hooptie. The doors to the Suburban flew open and two girls dressed as fairies got out. Their vividly dyed nylon and wire framed wings, glittery make-up, and sheer costumes (while shocking) were a welcome contrast to the gloom of the afternoon.

"And now I am fully erect. Thank you, God, for sending us a car full of sexy, pixies." Danny's hands were still in mid-wave.

"Oh, wow!" one of the girls squealed as she came bouncing up to the boys. Her costume was mostly in hues of gold and copper. She was excitedly pointing at the sliding door of the boy's van. It artfully announced the foursome as the "The Ghoul Grumps" (The internet's most loved paranormal investigators). Above the text was a cartoon rendition of the show's hosts: Arin and Danny _ala_ Ghostbuster style. "I was right! You _are_ the Grumps!" She looked back at a third girl who had a bright pink Mohawk coming out of the driver's seat of their SUV. "They _are_ the Grumps!"

"We definitely _are_ the Ghoul Grumps." Arin smiled broadly at the newcomers.

The gold fairy continued to gush over the Grumps. "I've watched every one of your episodes, and love them all! Like the Snallygaster one, that had me so scared, I was screaming out loud. Didn't I scream, Linz?"

The second girl – Linz – was holding a wand and dressed in purple and burgundy jewel tones, nodded her agreement.

"That's one of my favorites. I actually got a scar on my arm from making that episode," Ross pulled up his shirt sleeve to reveal a faint, pink scar on his right bicep. "When Danny started screaming at a noise, we all ran and I fell with the camera. Luckily my camera didn't break, but I had to get three stitches." He proudly showed them three fingers for emphasis of his manliness.

"What are you guys doing?" Fairy number one questioned. "Are you filming an episode out here?"

"Well, that was the plan until…" Arin gestured to their disabled van.

"We can totally give you a ride!" Linz offered a little too eagerly. "Our town is just up the road. Just hop in Danika's car."

Danika, the driver with the hot pink hair, crossed her arms over her chest seeming none too happy about the idea. Her costume was simpler, in earthen tones, and she had streaks of brown and green on her face like war paint. "Or we could just call them a tow truck."

"No way," Linz and the other fairy whined.

"We have actual celebrities in our midst! We need to be hospitable, right Sara?"

"Hear that Dan?" Arin said in a tone similar to the enthusiastic fangirls', "We're celeb-Ra-tees."

The gold fairy - Sara grabbed Danny's hand and started to tug him toward her ride, "Plus, there is an awesome festival going on, you should come party with us."

Danny and Ross happily followed, but Arin wasn't too sure having noticed the scowl on the driver's face. "We don't want to be a bother." He told Danika. "If you could call us tow that would be great."

The darker fairy bit her lip for a moment. A fresh rain shower was starting. "No, it wouldn't be right to leave you stranded. You can come with us into town, and we'll get your van hauled in later."

"Awesome, come on Barry." Arin began to grab large, black bags that held their gear out of the van.

Barry ran a hand through his short brown hair. "So, many kidnapping begin like this."


	2. Chapter 2

"So… What's with the fairy costumes?" Arin was seated up front with Dankia. The ride had been pretty quiet except for an occasional giggle from the two girls in the back. They were sitting on either side of Danny, who would later refer to their seating arrangement as "the most sexually frustrating sandwich in the world". Barry and Ross took up the rear seat, content to play silently on their handheld devices.

"What costumes?" Danika questioned. She started to play with the windshield wipers; the shower was now a full downpour.

"Well… what you're wearing… the frilly… never mind." Arin gave up, flustered.

The pretty driver smiled at him, "Relax. I'm just busting your balls. We're dressed like this for the festival. It's kind of our tradition."

"Neat," Arin smiled back, "So kind of a Ren-Faire thing?"

Danika hummed while she considered his question. "More pagan, less cheesy. I doubt it would be interesting to you guys."

"Why would you say that?"

"Well, I've seen your show too, and no offense, but it's obvious you guys aren't into uncovering real folk lore and legends. You guys go for the extra cheese."

"First off, all the offense taken." Arin joked, "And second, we are professional _paranormal_ investigators. 'Para' coming from the Latin term of all things _para_ -ticularly scary and intriguing and 'investigator' coming from the American word for 'of those who investigate'. We take our jobs very seriously."

" _Para_ is Greek and it means 'of others'". The girl corrected.

"Never said we were professional linguists."

" _And_ ," she continued, "How seriously did you take that Bigfoot episode you shot?"

Arin put his hand to his chest in mock exasperation. "That one was on such a professional level."

"Oh, Really?" She turned the large SUV into a narrow dirt road. The path was mostly concealed by trees; it was almost as if they drove into a keyhole of the forest. Most passers-by would not have noticed it. "Half the episode was shots of poop you found in the woods."

"We were documenting evidence."

"What about the stink lines that were drawn in, or the fart noises?"

"Professional… satire?" It came out as a question. He was busted, but Arin smiled broadly regardless.

Truth was Arin didn't believe in any of it, the spooks, the legends, nothing paranormal. The show had started out as a joke, and may very well still be a joke, but once they were signed by a _real_ production company, and had _real_ bosses to answer to it wasn't so funny anymore. Finding content wasn't the easiest when they were chasing things that didn't exist. Making people laugh was no sweat, but he could only have Ross get close-ups on animal dung or have them run wildly in the woods at random noises so many times before he'd have to start coming up with some other way to make their work seem legitimate. There were times he wished he'd just been a 'let's player', those guys made bank with very little effort.

The dirt road started to become less dirt and more rocks. The ride became aggressively bumpy.

"Where exactly are you taking us again?" Danny asked.

Sara placed her head on his shoulder. Bits of her glitter fell onto his green army jacket. "Are you getting nervous?"

"Not at all." He said nervously.

"Maybe we're going somewhere where they'd never find your body?" Linz teased as she scooted closer to Dan.

"Ignore them." Danika sighed, "They've had too much absinthe, and they're being dumb."

Linz stuck her tongue out at her friend before she said, "Our town is kind of out the way. You know, secluded?"

"That's why it's so cool we found you. Not a lot of outsiders get to go to our festival." Sara added.

Danika cleared her throat, making eye contact through the rear view mirror with her two friends. They seemed to silently communicate something. Arin found it weird. Looking behind him, he could see Dan's wide eyes going back and forth between the girls also puzzled by the exchange, but neither Grump commented.

After a few beats of silence, Linz started up the conversation again, "So what kind of show are you doing in Jersey?"

"The Jersey Devil." Danny explained.

"It's a dragon." Barry said proudly from behind them.

All three girls giggled.

"What? What's so funny?" Ross asked, he was smiling a bit too, their laughs infectious.

"Nothing." The driver said, trying to contain her chuckles. "It's just… well, there's no such thing."

"I wouldn't be so sure." Arin cautioned, "That's what people said about Bigfoot and we got some pretty hard _smelling_ evidence on the contrary. Am I right Daniel?" He reached back to give Danny a high-five, but both their hands lamely missed one another.

To compensate Dan clapped his own hands together to make a nice _smack_. "That's right, Arin. That _rank_ ness we caught on tape was enough to _rank_ us runner up for the 'Supernatural Exploration' award last year."

"Who won first place?" Sara asked curiously.

Dan's smile faded, "That would have been The Ghost Hunters, those…" He muttered for a moment, then through clenched teeth, "We're so happy for them."

"Well, anyway," Sara said, "There is no Jersey Devil. That's just silly. Now, if you're going to do a show in Jersey is should be about the Great Markiplier."

"Sara." Danika said in a warning tone.

"Who's Markiplier?" Barry asked. He'd never heard of such a thing, and Barry thought he'd read about everything otherworldly.

"He's the mystical creature that used to rule our forest. This forest." Sara waved her hand game show hostess style to the wilderness that encompassed their moving vehicle.

"Sara." Danika warned again.

"What? If they are going to the festival, they might as well hear the story. It's better than that goofy, Devil mumbo-jumbo."

"Yes, tell us the story." Berry encouraged.

Sara sat up straight in her seat. She seemed pleased that all eyes on her. "Okay, well, this story goes back to a long time ago, so long ago that there were no Indians living here –"

"Native Americans." Linz corrected.

"No, Linz. You're ruining the story. It was before America was called America, so how could they be called _Native Americans_? Anyway, it was way back then. And the forest was ruled by a Fairy Prince named Markiplier. They said he was the most handsome-est of the Fae, but he was like half horse or goat. So he had, like, four legs, but still cute, you know? They say the source of his powers came from this crown he had. It was made of brambles and wildflowers and magic, given to him by Mother Nature herself. With his thorny, power-infused crown, he ruled justly over all the other fairies, and enchanted creatures of the forest."

"Wait," Ross stopped her, "This isn't an allegory for Jesus, is it? Thorny crown, super handsome magic man, you guys aren't Christian fanatics trying to convert helpless people you find on the side of the road are you?"

The girls rolled their eyes in unison.

Linz leaned back and poked Ross' shoulder, "Listen to the story silly. Go on Sara."

"Well, one day, this evil spirit entered the forest. It happened upon Markiplier while he was hibernating in his den, and stole the magic crown. The dark spirit declared himself Prince and started ruling the woods on his own terms. But, because he was evil everything went to shit. The forest grew wild, the creatures inside became mischievous; some even dangerous. And the worst part was poor, powerless Markiplier was forced to be the wicked spirit's servant.

"On the week that marks the anniversary of when the crown was stolen, we have a festival, to you know, appease the forest. We play music, dance, and…" Sara looked slyly at Dan, "Other fun stuff."

Danny opened his mouth to comment on the obvious entendre "other fun stuff" was referring to, but Danika spoke first, "Oh, look, we're almost in town."


	3. Chapter 3

The boys stood on the sidewalk, clutching their black nylon bags to their chests like giant teddy bears. Their mouths were slack, and for once the foursome speechless.

The Ghoul Grumps had been to some unusual places because of their job. There was that time in Texas, on a sun scorched wheat field where a farmer - who crudely chewed and spit out everything from tobacco to the English language - dug up a shallow grave to show them the remains (supposedly) of the Chupacabra. (Spoiler: it was just a mange ridden, dead dog – Ross was bummed for days after that.)

There was also the barnacle covered bridge in Chicago where several "credible" witnesses said they saw a lady hitchhiker, the kind that disappeared once an unsuspecting driver got her to her destination. Unfortunately the only thing they got on film were the hives Danny broke out in after standing in itchy cattails while they did their opening monologue.

But what they witnessed now… Danny may have summed it up best when whispered in mock horror, "What kind of black magic is this?"

The rain had stopped and the sun shone just in time for the Grumps to arrive on the main street of Sheahurt, New Jersey. The road itself was nothing remarkable. Flanked on either side of it were vintage style store fronts; brick, large plate glass window displays, and hand carved wooden signs to let you know which nondescript building was a café and which as a book store. What set the cobble stone path apart from any other was the street was littered with dozens of beautiful women, all of whom – like Danika, Linz, and Sara – were dressed festively. Some were prancing around in shimmering pixie attire, but most had on animal costumes. Rabbits with fake white, pointy ears, mice accompanied with spindly faux tails tied to their waists, and a couple of young maidens waving around fuzzy bear paws. And all of the women were headed in the same direction.

"It's like watching a very sexy migration of furry conventioneers." Arin said, and the others must have thought similarly because they nodded dumbly in agreement.

"Where are they headed?" asked Barry.

"The festival, duh." Sara explained, and then motioned up the road to point out the fairgrounds. It was mostly hidden by the townscape and encompassed by a short wrought iron fence. Through the mist of the cloudy afternoon twinkled a few carnival rides, and a muffled sound check was being pumped through large speakers on a bandstand.

"It hasn't officially started yet." Linz said as she tossed a couple of tote bags from their Suburban into Sara's waiting arms. "Right now is kind of the pre-party party. If you like we can head over there once Danika gets back."

Their courteous driver had promised to go find them a tow truck for the disabled Grumpmobile they had left on that lonely highway. Her companions were left in charge of unloading their own vehicle. The girl's luggage was slowly being moved into the closest building, Mangaminx's Bed and Breakfast.

"Maybe," Arin replied. The pre-festival celebration sounded nice, but he had a terrible case of swamp-ass he'd like to tend to, plus he still needed to check-in with Jesse and let him know the Jersey Devil episode had been delayed. "Ross, buddy, do you have a signal yet?"

Ross carefully placed his black bag on the curb, (it was the biggest and held most of their cameras and sound equipment) and then fished his cell out of his back pocket. He tapped the screen a few times, then, "Dang it. No service and I can't even find a hot spot."

"Oh no," Danny told him, "How will you cope without Reddit?"

"Not just that," Ross said, unaware of Dan's sarcasm, "But I can't even get on the Warcraft Auction House app. How am I supposed to check my auctions? This is terrible."

"A travesty," Barry sympathized.

At that point Danika reappeared and walked over to Arin. "Okay, I have some good news. The town mechanic, Dodger, says she can have your van towed back here within the hour." She gestured to a rusted, 1950's era tow truck headed out the way they had just came. Behind the wheel was the aforementioned Dodger donning imitation, silver fox ears. Arin couldn't see, but he was sure he'd find a matching fox tail on her as well.

"Awesome, and now for the bad news."

"Well, there is kind of a possibility for bad news. She doesn't have any spares, so we got to hope the tire can be repaired."

"Okay, so not the worst thing I've heard today." Arin was doing his best to find the silver lining. "Thanks for setting that up for us. But, hey, we noticed there is still no cell service in town."

Danika shook her head, "There's no service for miles. You can use the land line over at Mangaminx's B&B, though. And…"

"And?"

"You should probably get a room or two. Even if Dodger gets your van up and going tonight, you probably should wait until tomorrow to get back on your journey. It's supposed to rain some more, and the road out of town can get hazardous. Plus," Danika crinkled up her nose, "not to be rude, but you guys smell kind of ripe."

"We prefer the term 'manly'." Arin informed her, but honestly, taking a shower and maybe a nap seemed like a great plan.

The boys helped the girls carry the rest of their stuff into Mangaminx's. Inside, the first floor had a few tattered sofas to the left, and to the right – taking up the majority of space – was an ornate, wooden registration desk behind which a tall, brunette woman stood. She had on fake ears that resembled Dodgers, but these were smaller and darker. Mink or ferret came to Arin's mind when looking at them.

Sara and Linz scurried up the stairs at the far end of the hotel asking Danny on their way up if they would see him later to do 'some fun stuff'.

"Nothing could possibly keep me away." Danny vowed.

"Minx," Danika said to the weasel woman. "These are our new friend, Arin, Danny, Ross and Barry. They need a room."

"Two please," Dan asked nicely as he watched his fairies disappear to the next floor. "Or four, if you have the space."

"Hmm, 'fraid not." Minx told them. She was scrolling through a large tablet. "We are pretty much booked, but I do have a lovely honeymoon suite. Has a Jacuzzi tub and king sized bed. How'd that do for you?"

Arin was eyeing the ancient looking phone at the far end of the desk. "Are there phones in the rooms?"

"Nope."

"Do you have WiFi?" Ross questioned.

"Nope." The B&B owner replied in a chipper tone.

"What about regular internet, with an Ethernet cord?" Ross questioned again.

"Nope."

Ross kept going, "High definition T.V. with Pay-per view?"

Minx shook her head, "This isn't a Hilton."

Danny leaned on the desk and asked, "Is it possible to get three cots with that suite? And, maybe, a lot of pillows. I mean, a lot of pillows, enough to muffle shrieks of pleasure?"

Minx narrowed her eyes. "No."

"Excuse me," Arin interrupted as he handed her a credit card. "The honeymoon suite is fine, as is. Is it okay if I used your phone?"

"Knock yourself out."

Barry took over the registration process as Arin scooted over to the phone and picked up the handset. The old coil cord connected to it creaked with effort.

"This thing is almost as old as me." Arin observed as he punched in Jesse's number.

Danny chuckled, "By the looks of this whole town, it probably is as old as you. Or older. This place is primeval. It's weird."

"I guess so."

The phone started to ring on the other end of the line.

"And have you noticed," Dan glanced around conspiratorially, then lowered his voice, "That there are no men in this town. Except for us, it's all women."

Arin hadn't given it much thought until that moment. And at that moment it struck him extremely peculiar. How freaky was it they found themselves in a remote, hidden town run by neo-pagan women during a festival?

On the phone he heard Jesse Cox's gruff voice come through the line, "God damn it, this better be you, Hanson! Where the hell are you?"

Arin visibly gulped, "Ever see that movie The Wickerman?"


End file.
